Prioritizing Connection in Marriage

Marriage isn’t static. It isn’t something you fall into and then simply “stay in.” Every day, couples get married anew because they choose each other, show up for each other, and invest in their relationship. And every day, some marriages quietly drift apart, not because love disappeared, but because connection quietly faded.

The truth is, love isn’t just a feeling. It’s a choice. It’s the little things you do, the ways you notice each other, and the moments you decide to lean in rather than drift away. When you stop actively creating connection, it’s easy to fall into a “roommate stage,” where you live alongside each other instead of truly living with each other.

Connection doesn’t happen by accident. It takes intention and action. The good news is, small, intentional shifts in your mindset can transform how you connect with your spouse, even when life feels busy or mundane. Here are three shifts that can help you step out of the roommate stage and fall back in love every day.

1. Emphasize the Friendship

Romance is exciting, but friendship is the foundation of enduring love. When the friendship wanes, marriages drift into routine or “roommate mode." Building a strong, lasting friendship with your spouse is one of the most certain ways that you can strengthen your connection. 

How to Practice this:

• Curiosity: Ask questions you’d ask a friend, not a spouse. “What’s inspiring you this week?” or “What made you laugh today?” Small curiosity opens the door to emotional intimacy.

• Shared Moments: Pick a hobby, project, or simple routine to enjoy together. These small, shared experiences strengthen friendship without pressure.

• Celebrate Wins Together: Treat your spouse like a teammate. Cheer on their accomplishments, listen without fixing, and validate their struggles. Friendship in marriage is about showing up consistently, not only on special occasions.

• Playfulness: Humor and lightheartedness matter. Inside jokes, playful teasing, and small surprises keep the bond alive.

2. Active Noticing

Connection fades when we stop truly noticing our spouse as a living, evolving person. It’s easy to fall into patterns of assumption, expectation, or routine, where you see your spouse only for the “role” they fill, and not as an individual. 

How to Practice this:

• Observe and Acknowledge: Each day, notice something specific your spouse did well. “I noticed how patient you were with the kids today” or “You handled that stressful situation calmly.” Concrete recognition fosters respect and attentiveness.

• Stay Curious: Ask open-ended questions about their inner world: “What’s been challenging you lately?” or “What’s something you’ve been excited about but haven’t shared?” These questions invite depth and vulnerability.

• Recognize Growth: Celebrate small ways your spouse has evolved. Reflect on how they have progressed as an individual from when you first met them. Share positive reflections with your spouse to let them know that you see them for who they are today, and not just for who they were. 

• Avoid Comparisons: Don’t measure them against your ideals, past experiences, or others. Connection thrives when your spouse feels seen and valued exactly as they are, flaws and all.

10. Prioritize Daily Moments

Love shouldn't be reserved for anniversaries or weekend getaways. It’s strengthened in the repeated, intentional gestures of daily life. Tiny moments of attention, touch, and shared experience compound into deep intimacy over time.

Strategies:

• Micro-moments of touch: A hug when they come home, holding hands while walking, or a gentle touch on the shoulder during a busy day. These small physical gestures signal care and attention.

• Micro-dates: Schedule small, intentional moments together throughout the week. It could be a short coffee in the morning, a walk after dinner, or a mini “movie night” in your living room. 

• Intentional Conversation: Choose moments free of distractions (no phones allowed). Even 10–15 minutes of focused conversation can reignite connection.

• Small Gestures of Service: Doing something thoughtful for your spouse without being asked speaks volumes about love in action.

Marriage isn’t about falling in love once, it’s about choosing to fall in love every day. Connection grows when friendship is nurtured, attention is given, and love becomes a daily practice rather than a feeling you wait to feel.

Step away from the roommate mindset. Lean into friendship, curiosity, and small, intentional actions and watch your marriage feel alive again, moment by moment, day after day.

Keep it simple, 

-Ashley 💛 

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